


Here come the regrets

by Vicemir



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, OT7, Regret, basically Junhoe feeling guilty, it was supposed to be heavy angst but me is me and after all it's happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 19:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16561760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vicemir/pseuds/Vicemir
Summary: Junhoe loved to royally fuck up his own reputation and their team’s reputation in front of the whole Korea.Oh, he so fucking loved it.(About the time when he accidentally caused a scandal before a week of iKON releasing new album)





	Here come the regrets

_I wish I hadn't done it_

_I wish I hadn't said it_

_I wish that I could take it all back_

 

Junhoe stared down at a glass of whiskey. The golden abyss stared back at him, ready to swallow his mind whole – and he was always willing to let it do it.

 

Especially today.

 

It was a day after he accidentally caused a scandal, replying to one of his fans too carelessly, too friendly, and for all that time since their manager Jaeho was with him all the time. Why, though? To protect him from the bad consequences? From the rest of the members? From himself? Or to keep an eye on him, so he won’t do any dumb thing else?

 

That was most likely, considering how Junhoe loved to royally fuck up his own reputation and their team’s reputation in front of the whole Korea.

 

Oh, he _so fucking loved it._

 

Though, right now Junhoe asked Jaeho to stay outside of the room, to leave him for a moment to be alone. Junhoe needed to clear his dizzy mind and to drown all nasty thoughts in a good amount of bittersweet alcohol.

 

But for now the thoughts in his big head only sucked him in, making him feel miserable, torn apart, confused. He never, not for once lost his confidence before but this day everything he tried to say or do he did hesitantly, holding himself back so Junhoe stopped trying to talk at all.

 

As if he was almost scared to do that, remembering how many problems his loud mouth brought to iKON in these years since they were exposed to public.

 

_Unfortunately, way too many._

_And he didn’t want any of them._

  
//

 

The second glass of whiskey brought the unique scent of Hanbin's allergy-free perfume with it. Maybe that meant the leader has came back to dorms, stopping by Bobby's room to share their mutual producer's thoughts, as usual. As if nothing happened with their team, and nothing could break their Hanbin’s routine.

 

Of course not. He wouldn’t allow anything to even bend his principles and plans. Hanbin is way too strong and persistent for that. No apocalypse could shatter his world.

 

Only the weakest would lock themselves up in their own room, sulking and drowning their guilty mind in an alcohol poison, trying to shoo the problems away.

 

 _"Why the hell you’re acting so weak, Junhoe-ya?"_ as if Hanbin’s voice was asking him in his head in a judgmental tone. 

 _"But I was never as strong as you",_ he would reply and they both wouldn’t be able to hide the disappointment.

 

Junhoe sighed, as he remembered the first facing of Hanbin after YG contacted them to scold Junhoe for causing a problem.

 

The members were on the filming set, some of them already put a smile in front of cameras, but Junhoe took a quick look at Hanbin – and the leader wasn't smiling.

 

"Let's talk later", he said, passing by as he walked towards his seat.

 

Hanbin didn't even sound mad. Worse, he sounded too tired and deep in his thought, probably already trying to figure out all of the outcomes and consequences. Guilt creeped in Junhoe's heart as he realised how much he just let Hanbin and pretty much all of his team, his family down – in the middle of preparations, concerts and a week before they were supposed to come back with the new album.

 

A week. That could ruin everything they’ve worked so hard for since last winter and all of this year. A lot of koreans and even fans could turn away from iKON’s new album because Junhoe insisted on sharing his admiration for a japanese actor who was hated in real life by a lot of people.

 

Because his movies were something that Junhoe loved. And it seems like you’re not allowed to love when you’re an idol. Ha.

 

Simple as that. Trade the strongest emotion you have in your heart for a fame, money and recognition. Go on. Do it. Like in a damn evil fairytale where the main hero needs to sacrifice the most he has in order to chase their dream.

 

Junhoe didn’t want to obey the cruel rules and now he had to pay for it, once again.

 

“You don’t belong to yourself anymore”, Hanbin said to all of them when they debuted, with a knowing smirk. Then he added, “But you have to stay true to yourself”.

 

Junhoe was never that smart to solve their leader’s wisdom riddles and now it made him angry.

 

_He downed the whole bottle of whiskey that night, till the last drop._

_It didn’t help._

 

_//_

 

As expected, soon their phones were overflowing with articles that criticized Junhoe’s behaviour and throwing iKON’s soon comeback under the bus.

 

He wrote and posted apologizing letters three times but nothing could stop the icy cold waterfall running down his neck. It was misunderstanding? Yeah, sure. He thought he could be carefree and friendly with fans as usual? He should’ve watched his mouth. He wanted to brag about the friendship with the person he looked up to? He should’ve been a good kid and keep his embarrassing joys to himself. He screwed up.

 

Eventually Junhoe went out to face the members but he couldn’t dare to look them in the eyes. His eyes were glued to the constantly appearing comments on his instagram, where everything happened.

  
  
_“How could he talk to his own fan like that?! He has no manners, I always knew iKON were a bunch of rude dickheads”_

 

_“He’s a korean but he supports a japanese asshole who’s known for his anti-korean talks. Fuck you, Koo Junhoe, Korea doesn’t need you anymore.”_

 

_“This Koo Junhee is known for his rude behaviour since pre-debut. Why the hell YG even let him debut? Better kill yourself"_

  
_  
“Their agency is full of scandals lol So funny, let’s go hate on iKON, there is plenty of more worthy groups, like X kkk”_

 

 _  
_ And there were hundreds, thousands more comments like this, even harsher. Simple symbols and letters but they weighed like a ton.

 

Usually Junhoe was never one to be bothered by hate comments, out of everyone in their group. But on instagram he saw a lot of messages – and sometimes on icons he saw his member’s faces, they were everywhere, mocking and judging – and it’s all was mixing up, twisting, turning into a viscous hateful goo that sticked to his heart.

 

Staining it, ruining it, poisoning it.

 

"That's rough, buddy", said Bobby, taking a sneak peek over Junhoe’s shoulder, startling him from his dark thoughts.

 

He didn’t even understand at first that Bobby was holding something in front of his eyes, smiling like a crazy hyung he is. It seems like he was trying to lift his mood up by offering Junhoe crab chips.

 

Even though Bobby didn't even eat seafood, so that meant he just got whatever was Junhoe's favourite snack.

 

Somehow that gesture made his heart feel a little bit less heavier. The sticky goo melted down a bit, making it easier to breathe. Easier to remember that those hateful comments were coming from the unknown users, not his members.

 

_He was hoping they weren’t thinking like that about him too._

 

At the concert encore that evening Bobby made everyone sing Junhoe's favourite song from the previous album, which was "Jerk". That's just how he was, a little bit awkward with him but always somewhere around, giving out almost unnoticeable support that made Junhoe feel better for a while.

 

A while was enough to breath.

//

 

It wasn’t easy for Junhoe to keep going in the pace their group had to maintain, when in one moment the world outside of the dorm has become the scariest place to him.

 

When he still had to show up with red eyes in front of thousands of cameras ready to capture his weakness and failures, thousands of people ready to catch up and twist every word he says.

 

_So Junhoe still wasn’t saying anything at all, therefore not failing._

_He was indeed falling but he hasn't reach the rock bottom yet._

 

“I miss your smile”, said Jinhwan on the stage. “Everyone misses it”, he said, “so go on, smile for them”.

 

For them – that meant, for iKONICs. Seven of them were always ready to lay down their lives bare for their fans, smiles included.

 

So Junhoe had no choice and tried to give out his smile.

 

It was the weakest smile he managed in his life, even though it was the most hardest thing to do on today's concert.

 

Junhoe didn’t have the right to smile in front of their fans when he let down one of them, did he?

 

He could only sing – emotionelessly, in a half-volume, without his usual ad-libs. He was too cautious to stand out now, to attract any attention. He felt like everyone's eyes were on him anyway.

 

Jinhwan looked at him. There was a pity in his eyes later at night as well when he hold Junhoe’s big hand, kissed his forehead tip-toeing funnily and told him the members were all proud of him and that he did good today.

 

_Of course he fucking didn’t, were they all blind?_

_He was a damn mess._

_//_

 

It was Donghyuk that Junhoe usually come to at night when he was having a nightmare. Because Donghyuk was always warm, inviting and forgiving, like a mother, and supporting, like a good friend. Almost as Jinhwan, but Junhoe would rather die than look so uncool in Jinhwan’s eyes.

 

So when Junhoe couldn’t sleep or was too scared to, he would always sneak to Donghyuk’s room, awkwardly coughing and pretending like nothing happened until his friend would wake up and with the quiet sunny laugh force Junhoe to lay down in his bed, talking him down and shielding him from all of the worries in his mind.

 

On the third day after the incident Junhoe couldn’t sleep too, because nothing were able to shut his thoughts and his guilt up. But he was damn tired and he surely looked messy and unpretty as hell. He cried all of the times he was alone, only coming out with red swollen eyes that couldn’t be covered by any makeup.

 

Junhoe didn’t even look at the mirror today, and he didn’t even wanted to. As if he was a hero from their own song, Perfect. He loved the song for all of its painful lyrics and tearing powerful vocals, but today he related to the accusing words so much he hated it.

  
  
_My mirror looked at me with my true self: disgusting_

_I couldn't take it so I broke it_

 

One more hour being alone in his room desperately trying to sleep – and he could definitely break something or break down himself. So he escaped from his room hugging his blanket desperately, and crouched down the corridor, longing for a comfort, a nice talk that would put him to sleep, maybe also a warm caress or a look.

 

But…

 

He stopped before he reached out the doorknob in Donghyuk’s room, heavily panting and hesitating.

 

It’s not like it was a ghost nightmare he was usually having. It was something that Junhoe did to himself, did to his members and he couldn’t even properly apologize. Junhoe was never good at admitting his feelings or apologizing.

 

He tried a dozen of times, every moment he spent with their group and staff, and it never felt like enough.

 

Junhoe didn’t know why he found himself nervously curled up in a blanket on the floor near Donghyuk’s bedroom, bawling his eyes out once again.

 

_He was scared and it was the worst kind of nightmare because his fears were real._

 

Junhoe almost didn’t notice when door has opened, when someone took his hand, his body and forced him to move, didn't notice when he was surrounded by other’s warmness and sweet whispers, because he was so tired, so tired.

 

Too damn tired.

 

_He fell asleep, pleading for anyone to take his dark nightmares away._

 

_//_

 

Junhoe never stopped working out, wearing himself down till the last bit; it was the only thing that kept his mind empty as much as it could be. This, and alcohol, but Jinhwan already threw away bottles they’ve drank together; bottles Junhoe poured in himself at nights and refused to buy more.

 

Always too worrying about him.

 

As if Junhoe was worth to be worried about now.

 

“How could we all not worry about you, Junhoe-ya?” Yunhyeong said, pleading with his dreamy eyes as he put a hot dish on a desk in Junhoe’s room.

 

Well, he had to make a space for it first, because everywhere there were crumpled papers with failed or too bitter poems that Junhoe wrote trying to get the pain out of his soul; everywhere were clothes that he never bothered to put in their respective places and he stopped caring at all; junk food bags that he ate even before he lost his appetite completely.

 

Reminding him about how he’s, once again, failing to make Yunhyeong happy because Junhoe can’t eat the food he cooked specially for him.

 

Junhoe just didn’t feel hungry. Or he did but he couldn’t register it, he just felt like his insides were so full of nasty feelings that any food will be immediately discarded.

 

“Which is surprising, considering how you usually eat seven meals a day”, Yunhyeong joked with another worrying look when Junhoe told him that.

 

Junhoe knew his friend’s heart was broken when next morning he took out the already cold food and had to threw it away. Not even a meal prepared with all of his efforts and love could cure Junhoe’s appetite.

 

It made Junhoe feel even worse.

 

 _“I’m sorry for me being me”, he wanted to tell Yunhyeong once again but couldn’t._ _  
_ _Was there a point in apologizing anymore?_

 

//

 

They were all sitting in the living room, all seven of them.

 

“We should beat him up”, said Chanwoo looking at other members in suggestion, as if Junhoe wasn’t sitting here as well.

 

Well, it’s not like he cared if they beat him up. Or, maybe, he cared too much that he wasn’t against letting them do it.

 

Other members, though, raised a chaos of protesting voices.

  
  
“Yah, you brat! What are you even talking about?! How could you say that?”, gasped Yunhyeong and Jinhwan.

 

“Indeed, you’re a maknae on top in our group, Chanwoo!”, laughed Donghyuk and Bobby.

 

“Well, that could work”, slowly said Hanbin, thoughtfully looking at Junhoe.

 

Junhoe didn’t even move his finger, not even rolled his eyes at the pretentious remark.

 

Chanwoo sighed.

  
“Well, that was worth a try. It’s not like he isn't one word away from asking us to beat him as well. Just look at him. I tried everything, hyungs!” he pouted then smirked. “I even joined the iKONICs movement of sending Junhoe nice messages on instagram. But this brat doesn’t even look in his DM!”.

 

“I don’t mind”, Junhoe admitted, gloomily rubbing his still-quite-red eye. “Maybe my beaten up face would make your day brighter. It’s my fault it all became like this anyway”.

 

"You look like shit alrea–" started Chanwoo but was interrupted.

  
  
“I could beat you up!”, suggested Donghyuk, as supportive as always. “But you’re stronger than us all. Maybe, only Bobby can throw a punch or two and get out alive, but he has a crush on you so that’s a poor idea.”

 

“I don’t have a crush on Junhoe!!!” shouted embarrassed Bobby, throwing himself at Donghyuk and wrestling him to the floor among the last’s loud laughs. “Lemme me better beatcha up, you brat!”

 

“No one is beating anyone up, guys!” Hanbin raised his voice. “And Junhoe has a crush on Jinhwan so that’s no use any way”, he added in a quiet cheeky tone causing everyone’s laugh.

 

Surprised Junhoe only managed to blink few times, looking at everyone having a relaxed time joking around. That didn’t add up in his head. What’s fucking wrong with them?

 

“Aren’t you all angry at me?” He finally said and when everyone got silent, stopped his eyes on their leader, asking in a much quieter voice: “Aren’t _you_ angry at what I have done to us?”

 

Everyone knew that Junhoe, their tall aloof younger, valued their leader and their oldest hyung’s opinions the most, so they all looked at Hanbin too, expecting him to have a say in it.

 

“What’s the point of being angry at you if you’re already punishing yourself so much?” Hanbin asked Junhoe, returning a heavy but at the same time encouraging glare. “We’re a team not because we don’t make mistakes, but we’re a team because we help each other become better whenever one of us is making one.”

 

Junhoe felt something in his throat choking him up. He could probably even tear up again but he cried too much in these past few days there were no tears left. So he just said in a too careless voice,

  
  
“I wish you would actually rephrase that so I can understand your damn wisdom riddles”.

 

The rest of them all cracked up.

  
  
“Koo Junhoe, your own poems are actually much more complex and confusing than what Hanbin says...” Jinhwan snuggled up to him, squeezing his arm when he stopped laughing.

 

“But seriously, I agree with Hanbin. Stop with that self-destroying already, or Chanwoo would eventually find a person willing to fight you and he wouldn’t be ashamed of doing so”, Yunhyeong scolded him in a soft way and Chanwoo winked. That damn maknae. “And finally let yourself eat properly! I’m still used to cook for the seven guys, not six guys and one guilty potato!”

 

“You can’t make jokes at all, Yunhyeong-ah...”, Bobby loudly interjected his monologue with a disappointed look. He and Donghyuk already untangled themselves from each other and now were taking photos of Junhoe’s lost face on their phones, snickering and imitating him.

 

“Guys...” Junhoe coughed breathlessly, looking around and being grateful for all of members caring about him in different ways. He never felt that much attention before. He never would’ve thought he deserved their forgiveness and support before this moment. “But what about our new album and our future? What about haters? And YG? I screwed up a lot, you can’t deny it. Even I can’t feel like I can ever make up for my always ruined reputation!”

 

“I liked it when you weren’t thinking so much”, their oldest, Jinhwan sighed and rolled his eyes, looking up to him. “That’s why we’re here, you idiot. You should promise yourself to be better, and we will help you. I think you won’t become your usual loud noisy ass self in a day but you can count on us. We won’t turn our backs on you, ever.”

  
  
“Don’t regret of what you’ve done, better work on what you can fix”, Hanbin smiled and stretched out his hand to caress Junhoe’s leg.

 

“Keep your head up, Junhoe! Smile!” shouted Bobby in english, making the awfully heartwarming moment even more fucking unbearable.

 

Junhoe inhaled sharply and let out his promise. “I will work on becoming a better person for iKON and our fans. I’ll be more careful next time and I will try not to cause any problems. I didn’t know it would turn out like this but that’s no excuse...”

 

He somehow was feeling much more on ease. His heart wasn’t healed completely and his mind was still full of anxious thoughts but he knew it will be. He will be fine. Because his members were by his side. They would always help him in any situation, and now he thought he could realise and accept it.

  
  
“I...I was so scared to let you all down”, Junhoe admitted after a long pause, looking down at his fidgeting hands on the knees. They were kinda sweaty from all the nerves.

 

When he looked up again, he saw all members looking back at him.

 

Donghyuk was smiling the brightest.

 

“You know where to come to when you’re scared”, he said and that was enough.

 

_Everything will be fine._


End file.
